It can be challenging to figure out how to be happy

I had a happiness light bulb moment a few years ago

The realisation had more impact on me than any new skill or technique I’d learned.

Decide to be happy

I don’t mean pretending everything is wonderful, suppressing difficult feelings or blaming yourself whenever you feel miserable. Happiness isn’t a permanent grin or a refusal to acknowledge pain. I’m talking about deciding that happiness can be part of who you are, even though you will still experience sadness, anger, disappointment and days when everything goes sideways.

It may seem way too simple — and in a way it is. But deciding you are a happy person can completely change your self-perception.

If you consider yourself happy, happiness becomes part of your sense of self — your sense of identity. Who you are affects your core beliefs about yourself and what you value. Deciding to be happy will affect every part of your life, including how you behave, how you relate to others, and how you think.

Happiness as part of your being differs from being happy about something

When you’re happy about something, that something is what triggers your emotional wellbeing, rather than your own decision. For example: “I’m happy we’re having wonderful weather on our trip.” What happens if you have lousy weather on your trip? If it means you’ll be unhappy, then you’re letting the weather decide your emotional response.

When you are a cheerful person, your underlying sense of contentment may become less dependent on your circumstances or your situation. I’ve met remarkably happy people living in extremely difficult circumstances, including conditions that would challenge many of us. Often they have few material possessions, yet they exude happiness.

“When I” happiness

As a coach and trainer, I often come across people with a ‘when I’ approach to happiness.

“I’ll be happy when I leave school, pass my exams, finish university, start work, finish work, get married, get divorced, have children, see the children leave home, retire…”

It’s easy to see that these people are making a cheerful disposition conditional on an event, or certain circumstances. They’re putting happiness on hold.

Sometimes ‘when I’ happiness is conditional upon ownership. For instance, “When I have a new car, a new house or a new mobile phone, I’ll be happy.”

‘When I’ happiness is always somewhere out in the future

When the event arrives or they make the purchase, they feel happy. The feeling may actually be satisfaction, and it may not last much longer than the excitement of making the purchase. Then, they’re back to wanting something else to be happy ‘about’.

Stop putting happiness on hold

It’s perfectly OK to want things. After all, you are human. But making your happiness conditional upon having something, or dependent upon a specific event or circumstance, results in only fleeting satisfaction.

It puts happiness on hold while you chase the next thing that is supposed to make you happy.

True happiness comes from within

For me, happiness is a sense of gratitude, contentment, cheerfulness, joy, joviality, well-being, and playfulness. Happiness doesn’t depend upon anything outside of me. When I achieve a challenging goal or buy something I’ve saved for, I get a bonus buzz of satisfaction. But I’ve learned to enjoy my life as it is, rather than postponing happiness until something else happens.

Happiness is a work in progress

I have ‘down’ days like many others. Nowadays, I can retrieve my general sense of happiness more quickly and easily…

I re-mind myself (and re-decide) to be happy. Doing so puts me back in charge of what I do next.

How to commit to your own happiness

These questions will help you explore your own ways of expressing a sense of satisfaction.

Please give them all serious thought because, although the questions are simple, your answers will have a deep impact on your self-image and feelings of authenticity. They will help you understand how to be happy.

If you decided that happiness was part of who you are, how might that decision influence your:

• Sense of self?
• Relationships with your nearest and dearest, friends and colleagues?
• Behaviour?
• Productivity?
• Stress levels?
• Focus?

Deep examination will uncover what it means to be happy in all aspects of your life. Don’t make it an empty declaration. Explore what being a happy person would actually mean in each area of your life.

Some avenues that can lead to becoming that happy person

Developing new habits

Unhappiness can become habitual. If you repeatedly focus on what’s missing from your life, you’re likely to notice more reasons to feel unhappy. Try finding aspects of yourself and your life that you love. Consciously look for and pay attention to those things instead. Take up a new habit such as going for walks, meditating, gardening, learning to play an instrument or studying a new language

The key is to start with just one new practice. Apply yourself to doing it consistently until it becomes a real habit. Maybe you could find ways to improve your sense of humour, or ways to challenge negative self-talk.

Being grateful

When you deliberately look for things you appreciate, you become more likely to notice them. Attention is selective: your brain can’t give equal weight to every sight, sound, sensation and thought competing for notice.

Practising gratitude directs more of your attention towards what is useful, enjoyable or already going well. It’s a little like telling your internal algorithm, “More of this, please.”

The RAS filters the incoming information

The Reticular Activating  System (RAS) in your brain stem determines the type of information that gets through to your conscious mind. The information that gets through is programmed and filtered according to your expectations, your interests, and what’s of value to you. It’s like your own internal algorithm. If you decide to be grateful, your RAS will allow more things for which to be grateful to penetrate your awareness. It begins searching for more ways to be happy.

A fundamental decision to be happy is your first step

Recognise that, although you can’t control everything you feel from moment to moment, you may have more influence over your underlying emotional state than you realise. Don’t make your satisfaction with life contingent upon achievements, ownership, events, or occasions.

If this post made you think about your own happiness, I think you’ll find this post How To Master Flow To Be Happy, Creative And Productive on my other website insightful.

That one decision, made all those years ago, was life-changing. Sometimes, when life turns to custard, I have to remind myself. But even that reminder helps me see the funny side of incidents that might have previously knocked me sideways.

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What about you?

I’d love to read about what you do to stay happy. Add your comment below.

Tags: Authenticity, Beliefs and values, Self-awareness, Thinking and mindset