Negative self-talk can have an adverse impact on your wellbeing
If your internal dialogue is only ever positive, loving and affirming, then there’s nothing for you to see here!
Move along, and go browse my other blog posts! 🙂
But, if your internal voice has become a mental menace, berating you with unwanted and unhelpful yammering, then read on to discover ways to deal with it.
The impact of harmful self-talk
Disempowering internal dialogue (aka negative self-talk) can wreck your sense of wellbeing. If you haven’t already, read How Words Affect Your Health and listen to the 2-minute audio contained in the post.
Then come back to this post.
Welcome back!
No doubt you’re even more motivated to change that negative self-talk!
Now you have a sense of the physical, emotional and mental vandalism generated by your negative self-talk, it’s time to deal to it.
Let me introduce you to your mental menace!
He (or she — there’ no sexism here) criticises and judges you and your behaviour. He is more likely to make his presence felt when you feel under some kind of stress. The voice tone sounds like an intolerant parent — or a global dictator! His smear campaign might begin as a kind of running commentary — pointing out everything you’re doing ‘wrong’.
Wonderful, right?
Once you’ve exposed him, you’re on your way to disarm him, but you need to be vigilant. No doubt he’s been lurking in the shadows for a while and that means he’s gain unauthorised access to your mind and is not about to give up and go away without some serious interrogation.
So how do you change your inner dialogue and send the mental menace packing?
1. Give it a name
The funnier the name, the less likely you are to take it seriously. I call mine Naggy McNagFace.
2. Congratulate yourself
It might seem counter-intuitive, when you notice the negative self-talk beginning — acknowledge yourself for noticing; “Fantastic! I noticed I was swearing at myself again!” The alternative is continuing with the verbal beating — which makes you feel worse.
You’re becoming more aware.
3. Set a tripwire to STOP him in his tracks
Do this by any — or all of the following:
- Shout STOP! out loud (Except if you’re a passenger in a vehicle, or surrounded by others. Then maybe do it in your head).
- Imagine a STOP sign or a red traffic light.
- Distract yourself by taking a sniff of your favorite oil or perfume.
- Start singing or say a positive affirmation out loud (this is the equivalent of putting your hands over your ears and shouting “Na, na na na!”)
- Snap your fingers or tap your desk.
Whatever works for you to disrupt the self-talk for a few seconds. A few moments is all you need to create a change.
Then you have several options.
4. Challenge the negative thoughts
This is where the interrogation begins. Confront the little monster by questioning the content of the self-talk.
Questions such as:
- Is this true? Be objective about this. (If the answer’s yes, what evidence do you have?)
- Is it always true? What percentage of the time is it true? Again, try to be objective.
- What can I learn from this?
- And if I learn that, what will that mean?
- What’s the positive intention of the internal voice? (Believe it or not, there often is a positive intention.)
- How can I achieve the positive intention in another way?
O.K. Time for an example
Let’s say your mental menace (Have you chosen a name yet?) has some opinions on a mistake you made; “Gee, you’re useless, that’s another mistake. You’re always making mistakes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah “
Running the questions above might go something like:
Q1: Is it true? “Am I really useless and do I always make mistakes?”
A: Well, it sometimes feels like that.”
Q2: Is it always true? What percentage of the time is it true?
A: “I guess if I’m honest, it isn’t always true. Actually, I’ve got quite a lot right today, so no, it’s not always true. In fact, on a scale of 100, I’ve got about 98% right.”
Q3: What can I learn from this?
A: “Well, I’ve learned that if I do ‘x’, I get a poor result. But, if I do ‘y’ I get an improvement.”
Q4: And if I learn that, what will it mean?
A: “It means if I do ‘y’ in the future, I’ll get consistently better results.”
Q5: What’s the constructive intention of the internal voice? (Just ask — you’ll get an answer.)
A: “Hmm, it’s making me aware of the mistake so I can learn and not repeat it.”
Q6: How can I achieve the constructive intention in another way?
A: “I could just stop and acknowledge when I’ve made a mistake, note the positive learning, and move on!”
5. Move your butt!
Move from the spot where the negative self-talk or worry is occurring. If possible, go outside or to a window. Look up and out and put all your attention into what you observe. When your attention is outside yourself, you won’t be so aware of the self-talk.
Begin commentating on what you see and hear, looking and listening for more and more detail.
For example, “I can see the trees, they’re getting thrashed in the wind … I can hear the wind whistling through them … oh, and there’s a starling clinging to the branch… there’s a plane off in the distance…etc.”
This only takes a few seconds. Notice how your voice sounds more animated and upbeat when your attention is outside yourself. You’ll probably notice you feel a little lighter. Then go back to where you were with a fresh mind.
6. Notice how much you do well
Notice and compliment yourself on all the things you do well. Even little wins that you recognise and consciously affirm can make a big difference to your self-esteem. You’ll begin retraining your version of Naggy McNagFace. He might even become your best friend.
7. Use ‘Steph’s Rule’
Imagine if you said some of the things you say to yourself, to someone else. What do you think would happen? I suspect, at the very least, you might lose friends. In these circumstances, you can adopt Steph’s rule.
Only talk to yourself using the words and tone you would use to someone you really care about. Now there’s a challenge for you!
8. Remember that this will be an ongoing process
The good news is that the more you can interrupt the unwanted self-talk and apply the tips in this post, the easier it will be to do so in the future. Practice these processes to help you rewire your brain and improve your physical and emotional well-being and your self-esteem.
It’s taken me a while to change my harmful self-talk, but the tips I’ve given you here are the ones that have helped me the most. When I look back on how bad my self-talk used to be, I’d say I have a 90% improvement. Still a way to go but, boy, has it improved my life!
If you’ve noticed your harmful self-talk, and you’re struggling with your mood, have a look at this post 7 super easy ways to cheer yourself up fast — using only your body and mind.
It can also help to stay connected. Thinky Things is my short, weekly-ish email — fresh reflections, questions, and small noticing-points — written for the inbox rather than the website.
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If you found this post helpful, feel free to share it with others who might find it useful.
And please let me know in the comments if you have any tips of your own that have silenced your own Naggy McNagface.
Tags: Self-awareness, Self-confidence and self-esteem, Self-talk, Thinking and mindset
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