Mind-Reading and Owning Language: A ‘Me, Myself, and I’ Affair

Ever caught yourself playing the dubious game of ‘mind-reading’? It’s like assuming you’ve got psychic powers — minus the crystal ball. Mind-reading is when you reckon you know what’s going on in other people’s heads, or you believe they share your opinion. You might never have even considered you were mind-reading.

Now, what’s the teeniest-tiniest word in the Queen’s English?

I would argue it’s ‘I’. No, I’m not going off track, because using this teensie-weensie word will stop you mind-reading.

Case in point: a discussion with a course participant, let’s call them ‘Participant X’ to add a bit of mystery.

Participant X: “You know how you feel uncomfortable when you talk to people in authority? Well, it would be great if you knew how to be confident.”

Me: “Can I just check? Are you saying that I feel uncomfortable when I talk to people in authority?” (pointing at myself for dramatic effect.)

Participant X: “Oh no, not you! Just, you know, people in general…”

“Are you saying that you feel uncomfortable talking to people in authority?”

Participant X: “Well, not just me. Most people!”

I watched other participants twitching and wriggling in their seats and realised a teaching moment was evolving.

Me: “If you feel uncomfortable with people in authority, it’s useful to acknowledge, ‘I feel uncomfortable with people in authority.’ Using ‘you’ can make it sound like we all have the same issue, and that you’re speaking on everyone’s behalf. Maybe there are some people here who can chat with anyone like they’re just discussing the weather. There might be some who don’t share your point of view.”

Participant X, gobsmacked: “So you’re saying I’m the only one?”

As heads nodded around the room, we had ourselves a lightbulb moment!

Understanding that not everyone shares your brand of reality is a massive reason why using ‘I’ statements, or as I like to call it, ‘owning your language,’ is such a big deal.

So, what’s ‘owning language’ all about?

It’s not about having a chat with your dictionary, I promise. It’s about labelling your opinions and viewpoints with a big, fat ‘I’. For example, “I reckon learning to tap dance on a gymnastic beam is essential for good balance.” Or use “I think”, “I believe”, “in my experience”… etc

On the flip side, ‘You’ language is like saying, “Everyone should wear socks with sandals,” as if it’s the gold standard of fashion sense. Spoiler: It’s not! (In my opinion!)

Do you find expressing your personal opinions a challenge?

You’re certainly not alone. I used to have that problem. Saying anything that started with the word ‘I’ was scary as sh*t! I’d tell myself “People will think I’m opinionated, arrogant, condescending, stuck-up!”

I thought that generalising and including everyone in my unique observations of life was somehow inclusive and created empathy.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’ll tell you what — it makes me cringe now

All I needed was a bit of confidence so that I could own whatever I was blabbering on about.

“The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.” ~ George Bernard Shaw.

In my training courses, we agree to some guidelines at the very start — call them formulas for a great workshop. One of these is ‘owning your language.’ I always explain what it means, why I believe it’s important and what participants can expect to gain. While everyone is happy to agree to it, they find it incredibly tricky to master.

Yet, once they get the hang of it, it’s like discovering they have special powers. They start seeing their own patterns and quirks, which is a super-quick way to gain personal insights and self-awareness.

Not owning your opinions = mind-reading

You confuse yourself when you use ‘you’ language because you mind-read, or assume any challenges you face are:

1. Facts of life. You’re less likely to try and change anything that’s a fact of life.
2. Generalisations. If it’s a generalisation, then everyone is experiencing the same problem as you, so it may seem pointless trying to do anything about it. (Like participant X).You’ll just accept it.

So either way, you’re unlikely to make changes.

You regain control over the issue when you accept it as your own.

When you start with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’, you’ll:

1. Think more before you speak, as well as choose your words more carefully.
2. Quit the mind-reading act — not everyone’s had the same experiences as you.
3. Respect others who might have formed differing opinions.
4. Spot your limitations as your own, which also means you can take responsibility for overcoming them.
5. Acknowledge you’re sharing your opinion or belief — not facts or general collective opinions.

Facts are verifiable and indisputable

Facts are like the sturdy legs of a table — they hold things up.

Or that 2 plus 2 makes 4, not a zebra.

But, hang on! Some ‘facts’ have no staying power

If it hadn’t been for Gallileo advocating the heliocentric theory we’d still believe the sun orbited the earth. In 1633, Galileo was tried by the Roman Catholic Inquisition for sharing what became a scientific fact. He was forced to recant his views and spent the rest of his life under house arrest. (Are you beginning to understand why people don’t want to stick their necks out?)

Prior to 1954 running a mile in under four minutes was as likely as spotting a unicorn at the supermarket. But once Roger Bannister achieved it, it was no longer a myth. These days, sub-four-minute miles are relatively common.

What were previously ‘facts’ are now fallacies.