Hilarious Quotes, Metaphors, And Plays On Words

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Laughing keeps us healthy — physically, emotionally and mentally

We all need to have a little giggle, or better still, a good belly-laugh — the kind that makes you feel exhausted when you eventually stop.

This post contains a variety of hilarious quotes, metaphors and plays on words, which I hope will make you laugh out loud — or at least snigger with glee.

Hilarious quotes from famous people

  • I asked the barmaid for a quickie. The man next to me said, ‘It’s pronounced quiche.
    ~ ‘
Luigi Amaduzzi, Italian Ambassador
  • ‘The one phrase it is imperative to know in every foreign language is, “My friend will pay.”‘
    ~ Alan Wicker
  • ‘England and America are two countries separated by a common language.’
    ~ 
Ronald Reagan
  • ‘In England, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometre, and botulism is called a steak and kidney pie.’
    ~ 
Fred Truman
  • ‘I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.’
    ~ 
Henry Youngman
  • ‘I was so ugly when I was a kid, when I played in the sand pit the cat kept covering me up.’
    ~ 
Rodney Dangerfield
  • ‘In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.’
    ~ 
Erma Bombeck
  • ‘When I was a kid, we had a quicksand pit in our backyard. I was an only child… eventually.
    ~ Steven Wright
  • ‘I can’t have children because I have white couches.’
    ~
Carrie Snow
  • ‘I do get broody occasionally — like when I’m lying on the couch and can’t quite reach the remote I think, “a kid would be nice right now.”‘
    ~ 
Kathleen Madigan

Hilarious Metaphors

Metaphors taken from kids actual English GCSE papers:

  • The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
  • Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  • Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.
  • John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  • He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  • The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
  • She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

  1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  3. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
  4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
  5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  6. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  8. Is there another word for synonym?
  9. Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all?
  10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating and endangered plant?
  11. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  12. Why do they lock the bathrooms at gas stations? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  13. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  14. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
  15. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  16. How is it possible to have a civil war?
  17. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
  18. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  19. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  20. Why are haemorrhoids called haemorrhoids instead of Assteroids?
  21. Why is it called the tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
  22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

We all know what a psychiatrist is, but what’s a proctologist? My dictionary says it’s the branch of medicine concerned with the anus and rectum. (I guess someone has to do it!)

Anyway, the psychiatrist and the proctologist opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

It read: ‘Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.’

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it 
to read,
’Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.’
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council,they changed the sign to,
’Catatonics and High Colonics.’

No go.

Next, they tried ‘Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.’
Thumbs down again.

Then came ‘Minds and Behinds.’
 Still no good.
 Another attempt resulted in, ‘Lost Souls and Butt Holes.’
Unacceptable again.

So they tried ‘Analysis and Anal Cysts.’ 
Not a chance.

‘Nuts and Butts?’
 No way.

‘Freaks and Cheeks?’
 Still no go.

‘Loons and Moons?’ 
Forget it.

Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with:

‘Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.’

Everyone loved it.


Think you’re having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.


Misunderstood

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to music on his phone.


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Tags: Fun and laughter, Health and wellbeing, Language

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