Tommy Cooper – Hilarious Magician

For those of you who might have never heard of Tommy Cooper, he was one of the funniest magicians ever — and a master of one-liners. I used to watch him on TV when I was a kid. In fact, I used to start laughing before he even came on. Just the thought of him made me laugh! With his 6ft 4in frame and enormous feet, he was physically hilarious. He had a funny face, with wild, uncomprehending eyes, a mobile jaw, and a collection of magic tricks that almost always failed.

I say almost, because sometimes, after bumbling his way through a gig, he’d produce a truly amazing magic trick that actually worked. He’d look as stunned as the audience!

His famous Egyptian fez only made him look funnier

Tommy Cooper’s one-liners might have seemed childish if they’d been said by any other comedian, but Tommy had amazing timing and such great rapport with his audience that he made them work. My Dad and I would laugh until we had tears rolling down our faces, while Mom would roll her eyes, shake her head, and ‘tut tut’. She didn’t find him anywhere near as funny as we did.

Tommy, unfortunately, died on stage of a heart attack in 1984. The Victoria and Albert Museum has over 116 boxes of archive material from his life.

Enjoy these classic examples of Tommy Cooper’s humour

1. Two men walk into a building …you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling wrap for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day – but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
11. “Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
    “Is it common? ”
    “It’s not unusual.”
12. One day a waiter fell sick and was rushed to hospital. He was lying on the table in great pain. When a doctor passed by the waiter said: “Hey doctor, could you do something for my pain?” The doctor said: “I’m sorry this isn’t my table.”
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
    “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “Im going to have to put him down.”
    “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”
    “No, because he’s really heavy”
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.”
    “How’s that?”
    “Don’t you start.”
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
16. These shoes are killing me. They are so tight my big toe and my little toe are now going steady.
17. You can lead a horse to water, but teach him to lie on his back and float — and you’ve got something.
18. My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
19. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”
20. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Wang-Chu… But I think it’s Colin.
21. I sleep like a baby. Every morning around 2 o’clock I wake up screaming.
22. The plumber said to the woman “where’s the drip?” She said: “He’s in the bathroom trying to fix the leak.”
23. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
24. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.
25. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
26. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, Parking Fine. So that was nice.”
27. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
28. What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
29. I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs — but she’s good with the kids.
30. I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.
31. I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, “You want to go to Margate, its good for rheumatism.” So I did — and I got it….
32. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
33. Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.
34. A woman told her doctor, “I’ve got a bad back.” The doctor said, “Its old age.” The woman said, “I want a second opinion.” The doctor says, “OK. you’re ugly as well.”
35. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
36. I became a member of The Secret Seven. It’s so secret, I don’t even know who the other six are.
37. A man goes to the psychiatrist and the psychiatrist says: What’s the problem?
    The man says, “I think I’m becoming a kleptomaniac.”
    The psychiatrist says, “Here take these tablets and if you’re no better in a week bring me a colour TV.”
38. Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – “You drive, I’ll man the guns.”
39. A dyslexic man walk into a bra.
40. I went window shopping today. I bought four windows.
41. Man went into a bar. He went ‘Ouch’. It was an iron bar.
42. You know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
43. I went to a really energetic ‘Seafood Disco’ last week — pulled a mussel.

I hope you’ve enjoyed these Tommy Cooper classic jokes, as much as I enjoyed collating them. You might also enjoy How Language Creates Humour and How Belly-Aching Laughter Helps you Resolve A Problem

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