Yes, kids do say funny things

Laughter is the best medicine. Kids’ minds often work in completely different ways to us grown-ups, and their misinterpretations and mis-spelling of words, misunderstanding of how things work in the world, all generate hilarity. This blog post is purely for entertainment, to give you a giggle and remind you we were all children once!

Funny things kids say in different school examinations

History

• In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.
• Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak.

Maths

• The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls Santa on his slay.
• I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths.
• If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel.

The Arts

• ..and at the end of the show we all sing away in a manager.
• In last year’s Christmas concert Linzi played the main prat. I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.

History

• Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over. Some prisners end up in consterpation camps.
• Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper.

Religious Studies

• A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that the roof is doomed.
• I asked my mum why we said old men at the end of prayers at school, I don’t know any old men apart from grandpa.
• If you marry two people you are a pigamist, but morons are allowed to do this.

Holidays

• On our activity holiday, Dad wanted to ride the hores, but mom said they were too expensiv.

Geography

• The closest town to France is Dover. You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy.
• In geography we learned that countries with sea around them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents.
• In scandinavia, the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

Science

• Helicopters are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air they can also hoover.

Natural History

• Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed asians.
• And, speaking of crabs and creatures like them…

Funny things kids say and write about concerning what happens in our oceans!

• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
• Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just Like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
• A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

Hilarious answers from kids in their Catholic Elementary School Test

Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
• In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
• Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the oppossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rules, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
• Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
• David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

The first week of school

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

Modern Slant on the Lord’s Prayer

A woman had been teaching her three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

Her mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail.”

Life seems more fraught with danger when you live life with sons!

1. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
4. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
5. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
6. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
7. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
8. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
9. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
10. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
11. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
12. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Facts of Life — according to kids

• To have a baby the mother has to lay an egg, then the male cracks it. (Alison, 5yrs)
• You shouldn’t have babies on Sundays because God wants you to rest. (Munroe, 7 yrs)
• To have a baby, you make love to someone who doesn’t mind. (Patsy, 9 yrs)
• First of all, you get in love, then you get married and get a baby. Or you can do it the other way around. (Peter, 9 yrs)
• The man next door has a baby in his tummy but it never comes out. (Darryl, 6 yrs)
• I nearly know how to have babies but we don’t do it until next term. (Frances, 7 yrs)
• If you don’t want babies, you should practice contradiction. (Lynne, 9 yrs)
• When you’re pregnant you become sicker and fatter and nastier every day. (Marianne, 9 yrs)
• It’s easier to have a baby if you’re a cat. (Clive, 6 yrs)

There is always the potential for hilarious misunderstandings when kids and adults try to communicate!

Cats and kittens

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.

‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.

‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move.’

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.” ‘How did you know?’ his mother asked. ‘Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,’ he replied. ‘I think it’s printed on the bottom.’

A drink!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’
‘I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later……’Daaaa-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

How to get to heaven

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’

The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

Who’s really scared?

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: ‘The big sissy.’

The Easter Dress

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?’

The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

Understanding Pregnancy

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’

I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’

‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?

Easy Addition

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’

The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mum.’

‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked.

‘Yes,’ he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in math?’

The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’

The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

Story Time

One day the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, ‘… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling!’ The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that farmer said?’

One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

It’s all in the name

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’

She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

More misunderstandings

A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’

Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

• On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, ‘If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.’  A little voice from the back of the room asked, ‘How will that help?’
• A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, ‘Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.’ He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, “Don’t kid me, Mom. They’re the only feet I got!”

Funny things kids say about heaven, religion, and church

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. ‘If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ‘Ryan, you be Jesus.’

• A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. ‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ the son asked.

He died and went to Heaven,’ the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, ‘Did God throw him back down?’
• After the church service a little boy told the pastor, ‘When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.’ ‘Well, thank you, the pastor replied, ‘but why?’ ‘Because my daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we’ve ever had.’
• A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, ‘Would you like to say the blessing?’ ‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied. ‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, ‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’
• A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ His son asked, ‘What happened to the flea?
• It isn’t just kids that say funny things. Check out this post for misprints from church notices.

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Tags: Fun and laughter, Language, Perception