Why we can experience the same event and come away with different realities
Aaron and I recently spent 53 minutes talking about how reality is optional on Raglan Radio.
Prefer to listen? [Skip straight to my 53-minute Raglan Radio conversation with Aaron: Sorry, Reality Is Optional.]
I’ve included links throughout the article if you’d like to explore some of the ideas we discussed in more detail.
We didn’t manage to define it. To be fair, people have been trying to do that for thousands of years, so we didn’t take it personally.
What we did explore was why each of us experiences a different version of reality, even when we’re apparently experiencing the same thing.
We take in information through our senses, but there is far more available than we can consciously process. So our minds filter it. We delete some information, distort some and generalise from previous experiences. What remains is shaped by our beliefs, values, memories, language, time, expectations and mood.
From all that, we create an internal map of what is happening.
The map isn’t reality itself, just as a map of Raglan isn’t Raglan. It doesn’t include the smell of the sea, the potholes or the relaxed interpretation of punctuality.
Nevertheless, we respond to our map as though it were reality. Read more about your map: NLP Map Of The World: Why We All Experience Reality Differently
Same roller coaster, very different ride
Imagine two people looking at a roller coaster.
One is thinking, That looks fantastic! They imagine the speed, excitement and exhilaration. Their body responds with anticipation.
The other imagines being trapped high above the ground, completely terrified and possibly throwing up over a stranger. Their legs start trembling before they’ve even bought a ticket.
The roller coaster is the same. Their internal experience of it is entirely different.
During the interview, Aaron said that as a child he couldn’t understand what anyone could possibly enjoy about roller coasters. Meanwhile, I had a similar blind spot about people who couldn’t swim. I’d been swimming since I was about five and loved the water. Their experience made no sense through my filters.
We often assume other people are experiencing what we are. When they react differently, we may decide they’re being unreasonable, over-sensitive or just plain weird.
They may simply be responding to a very different internal map.
Words don’t arrive with meanings attached
Language adds another layer of confusion. A word may have several meanings, and even when the dictionary meaning is clear, our associations can be very different.
I gave Aaron a recent example from a shop. I thought I had a $10 voucher available, but the assistant explained that I’d already used it. Apparently, she had said something was “free”, and I understood that to mean an additional free item. She meant the voucher had already been deducted from my purchase.
Same conversation. Two meanings. And yes, these things still happen to people who teach communication for a living.
Written messages create even more opportunities for confusion because tone of voice, facial expression and body language are missing. “Fine” might mean Yes, that works for me, I am absolutely not fine, or Continue at your own risk.
We don’t receive another person’s meaning directly. We run their words through our own filters and create meaning from them, often responding before checking whether that was what they intended. Read more… The Power of Mind-Body Language: How Words Shape Your Health and Mood
Your mood edits what you notice
Our perception also changes with our emotional state.
In a good mood, a stranger’s brief comment may seem friendly. On a bad day, it can feel curt or dismissive. If you’re anxious, your attention is more likely to find possible problems. If you’re relaxed, you may notice options or humour that were invisible five minutes earlier.
On holiday, you smile at people, feel curious and have time to chat. They respond warmly, and you return home announcing that everyone was wonderfully friendly.
Perhaps they were. But more likely, your holiday mood influenced your approach. You only noticed their response.
Incidentally, telling someone, “You only think that because you’re in a bad mood” is unlikely to improve theirs. This information is much more useful when applied to ourselves. Read about How To Control Your Rotten Mood — So Your Rotten Mood Doesn’t Control You
Beliefs behave like filters
Beliefs influence what we pay attention to and how we interpret it.
If you believe people are generally helpful, you’ll notice helpful behaviour. If you believe people can’t be trusted, your mind will become an enthusiastic unpaid detective, constantly collecting suspicious evidence.
Contrary information can be easy to miss or dismiss. We may even stop listening as soon as somebody says something that challenges what we believe. While they continue speaking, we’re no longer hearing them. We’re preparing our reply.
That is not listening. It’s waiting for our turn. Sometimes we don’t even wait — we just but in.
Rapport affects what we can hear
During longer NLP courses, I sometimes ask two people to discuss something they strongly disagree about while staying physically in rapport. They remain connected through their posture and attention, and reflect back what they’ve heard before replying.
They rarely finish by saying, “I now agree with everything.” More often, they say, “I still disagree, but now I understand how they reached that conclusion.”
Then I reverse the exercise. Two people discuss something they agree about while deliberately staying out of rapport. Despite agreeing, the conversation soon becomes awkward and hard work.
When we feel opposed to someone, our bodies often leave the conversation before our words do. Rapport disappears when we fold our arms, turn away or tense up. So does our ability to remain curious and listen.
Understanding someone is not the same as agreeing with them. It simply means you’ve heard the reality they’re describing, rather than arguing with the one you assumed they had. Find out more about rapport: How You Can Develop A Deep Rapport With Anyone — Without Saying A Word
Mind reading, without the impressive powers
In NLP, mind reading is the technical term for attributing thoughts, feelings or intentions to another person without enough evidence.
“She kept looking at my necklace. She must think it’s awful.”
“He didn’t reply to my message. He’s probably annoyed with me.”
Either interpretation might be accurate. It might also be a complete invention. The necklace may have caught the light. He may just be busy.
Mind reading becomes troublesome when an untested interpretation quietly turns into a fact. We then react to the person as though we know what they thought or intended. They react to our reaction, and before long two people are having an argument about something neither of them actually said. Here’s one way to stop mind-reading How The Tiniest Word Can Stop You Mind-Reading
How do I know?
We’re often excellent at challenging other people’s thinking and strangely reluctant to investigate our own.
When you notice yourself becoming upset, defensive or terribly certain, try asking:
- What actually happened?
- What have I assumed?
- What else could this mean?
- Am I responding to what they said, or what I think they meant?
- Could my current mood be affecting my interpretation?
- What evidence do I have?
- How do I know?
These questions don’t mean your perception is wrong. They just create enough spaced time for you to discover whether it’s accurate, incomplete or something your mind assembled from a couple of facts, a questionable memory and a slightly dodgy guess.
Your version of reality is the only one you can experience directly. It just isn’t the only one available.
If this has left you feeling slightly suspicious of your own certainty, you might also enjoy Filtering Experience: Why I Saw a Bird on My Toilet Seat.
And if you enjoy mildly unsettling thoughts about how your mind works, you can get Thinky Things, a short, weekly-ish email — fresh reflections, questions, and small noticing-points — written for the inbox rather than the website.
No noise. No pressure. Unsubscribe anytime.
Listen to Aaron and me pull this apart, put it back together and occasionally lose our grip on reality altogether in our 53-minute Raglan Radio conversation.
I’d love to read how you’ve experienced similar examples in your own life. Please leave me your comments below.
Tags: Beliefs and values, Body language, Communication skills, Interpersonal skills, Language, listening, Perception, Podcasts and audio tips, Self-awareness, Thinking and mindset
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