The secret power of silence

When I’ve asked people how they feel about silence, the majority jump in and tell me how uncomfortable they are. They a need to fill the silence gap — by talking! Rather than experiencing the power of silence, it makes them fidgety, like they’ve just realised they left the house without their phone.

But silence has a power all its own. It can be profound and healing, allowing for deep reflection, often leading to new insights and an inspiring way forward.

All this as a result of not leaping in with offers of advice, getting involved in problem-solving, or asking questions?

Absolutely!

“In the attitude of silence, the soul finds the path in a clearer light.” – Mahatma Gandhi

The urge to fix things

Many of us are problem solvers. Heck, some of us actually get paid to solve problems! As soon as we hear someone expressing anything that might even resemble a challenge, we feel an internal stirring to do whatever we can to ‘solve’ it. And while an intention to help may be borne out of genuinely felt compassion, there are often underlying issues associated with problem-solving-mode.

Person A and the problem-solving superhero complex

Let’s consider an example. One person, let’s call him Person A, said to me, “I want to help solve people’s problems.” He wasn’t in a formal ‘helping’ role at work, so I was curious about the language he’d used. It seems like an innocuous enough comment, doesn’t it? You might even think that Person A is a very helpful person. But let’s look at the sentence a bit more closely. There are some assumptions in it that are worth further consideration.

So here’s the sentence again, “I want to help solve people’s problems.”

Certain things are assumed in this sentence. For example:

• “People need help.”
• “People have problems.”
• “Person A can help solve other people’s problems.”
• “People can’t solve their own problems without help.”
• “Person A knows more about solving problems than the people with the problems.”

With these unconscious assumptions guiding Person A, he is a problem-solving machine! He’s made solving the problem his business. Sadly, ‘helping’ people in this way is more likely to satisfy Person A than it is to satisfy the person with the problem.

Imagine him donning a cape and leaping into action at the first sign of distress — he’s a superhero in his own mind, but maybe not so much in reality.

There are a few additional assumptions that could be inferred:

• “Help” is equated with providing solutions rather than offering support in other forms, such as listening or guiding.
• Everyone has problems that need solving, which may not always be the case.
• External intervention (from Person A) is more effective or necessary than internal problem-solving by the individual.
• People want help or advice. In reality, some might prefer to work through issues independently.
• Person A has the time, energy, and willingness to engage with others’ problems.
• Person A feels a moral or ethical obligation to intervene, which can reflect personal values or societal norms about helping others.
• Person A has the skills, knowledge, and capacity to effectively solve problems, regardless of the complexity or nature of those problems.
• Intervening in someone else’s problems is harmless or beneficial, overlooking potential negative impacts, such as creating dependency or misunderstanding the context of the problem.

By this stage you probably understand that Person A’s eager proclamation, ‘I want to help solve people’s problems,’ might sound like the mantra of a superhero. However, not everyone is looking for a caped crusader to swoop in and ‘rescue’ them from their minor inconveniences. Sometimes, people just need a listening ear, not an unsolicited problem-solving crusade!

Person B and the wisdom of listening

Now, let’s imagine another person, Person B. Person B has different assumptions about help and people. He believes:

• “Other people’s problems are not my problems.”
• “People are capable of resolving their own problems.”

With these assumptions, Person B’s approach to those with a problem is very different. Instead of saying, “I want to help solve people’s problems,” he might instead say, “I’m happy for people to use me as a sounding board to resolve their problems.” Or “I’m happy to listen.”

Notice the difference in emphasis. Person A will be intent on solving the problem for the other person. It makes him feel good to do this. Person B doesn’t need the problem resolved in order to feel good about himself, and he hasn’t made the problem his business. He has no direct or vested interest in the problem being resolved, and no ego involvement.

He is happy for the person to recognise that they can solve their own problem and to gain the resultant boost in confidence that it delivers.

“Silence is a source of great strength.” – Lao Tzu

Person B might ask the occasional, thought-provoking question and then he shuts up. He is comfortable with the power of silence that ensues because he recognises that, in the quietness, the other person is thinking, processing, reflecting and coming up with their own ideas and solutions. Person B is content to simply ‘be’ (groan… sorry) and not to hurry the conversation along.

He’ll listen compassionately and perhaps reflect back what he’s heard. This in itself is healing for the person with the problem, and helps them clarify the issues and generate solutions.

The Silence-Filler vs. The Silent Listener

Person A – The Silence-Filler is more likely to fill in the silence gaps because he isn’t comfortable with stillness. He has a personal agenda to get the problem sorted. He is on a mission. As far as he’s concerned, gaps in the conversation — aka silence, just delay the resolution. Gaps will be filled with questions, suggestions, options, or sharp intakes of breath!

While the person with the problem might consider these ‘helpful’ at the time, they may not be learning or harnessing their own problem-solving skills or building their resilience. Next time a problem arises, Person A may again be called in for, ‘help’. And because, when the problem is resolved, Person A feels good about himself, he’ll be happy to help again in the future.

Person B – The Silent Listener on the other hand, is happy when the person with the problem resolves it themselves. Being asked to help again and again is a signal that he is doing something wrong.

Where do you fit?

Are you a problem solver and silence filler-upper, swooping in to save the day with your well-meaning advice? Or do you generously allow people the power of silence they need to resolve their own issues?

Remember, sometimes the most powerful support you can offer is simply holding space and resisting the urge to jump in. Employ the power of silence to everyone’s advantage.

Embracing the power of silence might just be the best advice you never give, leaving others empowered and confident in their own problem-solving abilities. So next time, instead of rushing to fill the quiet, take a step back and let the power of silence work its magic.

 

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Tags: Communication skills, Language, listening, Perception, Resilience, Self-awareness