Influence isn’t a dirty word
Influence is part of every human relationship. Rapport and trust make it stronger. After all, others have influenced us our entire lives; our parents, caregivers, teachers, friends, colleagues, social networks and the media. But that doesn’t mean you have to leave influence to chance.
Prefer to listen?
If you’d like to listen to the podcast I did with Aaron at Raglan radio, with more examples and stories to illustrate the key points, click here.
Influence isn’t a one-way street
If your aim is to bring someone around to your way of thinking, while refusing even to consider their perspective, you’re not really having an exchange. You’re trying to exert influence over them rather than allowing influence to flow both ways.
Influence, persuasion, manipulation or control?
These words are often used interchangeably, but they don’t mean quite the same thing.
- Influence: Something I say or do affects how you think, feel or behave, whether I intend it to or not.
- Persuasion: I deliberately try to change your thinking or encourage you to make a particular choice.
- Manipulation: I hide my intentions, mislead you, exploit something or make it difficult for you to choose freely.
- Control: I use power or authority to direct your behaviour or restrict your choices.
The boundaries can overlap. Persuasion can slide into manipulation when honesty disappears or saying no is no longer a comfortable option.
That’s where the ethical influence test becomes useful.
True influence doesn’t require anyone to change their mind. It requires everyone involved to listen and remain open to reconsidering their position.
Being willing to hear another perspective matters, but that alone doesn’t make influence ethical. Honesty about your intentions matters too, as does the other person’s freedom to disagree or say no.
So, given that influence works both ways in any relationship, here are some counterintuitive ways to influence with integrity and improve those important relationships with your colleagues, boss, children, partner, friends, or anyone else.
The ethical influence test
How do you influence without bulldozing, tricking or quietly manoeuvring people?
Before trying to influence someone, ask yourself:
- Am I being honest about what I want?
- Am I genuinely curious about what they want?
- Am I willing to change my own mind?
- Can they comfortably disagree or say no?
- Would I be happy for them to know exactly what I’m doing?
That last question is particularly useful. If your method only works while the other person doesn’t realise what you’re doing, there’s a fair chance you’ve strayed from influence into manipulation.
1. Listen before trying to be heard
It’s a great start if you can keep your mouth closed and your ears open. Give the person your total attention. Imagine stepping into their shoes to experience the message they’re conveying. You’ll show respect and understanding and stop yourself drifting off trying to find counterexamples or prove why they’re incorrect. You’ll gain more Brownie points for learning and using reflective listening skills. The person you’re paying attention to is much more likely to listen to what you have to say once they know they’ve been understood.
“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
2. Pay attention to the whole message
You can tell when someone isn’t paying attention to you, can’t you? You’ll have spotted changes in body language and clusters of behaviour that may suggest someone has switched off or tuned out.
Well, guess what?
Others have the same sensory apparatus as you do, and they can also tell when someone has ‘switched off’. If you want people to be alert and engaged when they listen to you, make sure you afford them the same courtesy. Listen with your eyes and body, as well as your ears.
3. Start with the big picture
According to Shelle Rose Charvet’s work on metaprogrammes in Words That Change Minds, around 60% of people have a General preference when receiving information. They want the overview first, without being buried under every detail of how, when, where and which size paperclip was involved. Although this preference can change according to the context, it’s worth bearing in mind when presenting information.
For example, if you were describing the photograph above in general terms, you might say:
“It’s a bridge over an estuary, reflected in the water.”
If you tend to focus on specifics, you might say:
“Well, there’s a tree branch on the left and another one on the right, with more trees further away. Then there’s a bridge over a stretch of water and, in the distance, a volcano-shaped hill.”
Yes, the second description contains more detail. But the listener has to assemble all those separate pieces before they can understand the whole picture.
Giving too much detail upfront can send many listeners into an overwhelm trance, causing them to tune out or become irritated.
Other people prefer specific, detailed information, while some are comfortable with both.
Starting with the big picture allows people to understand where you’re going. You can then add more detail according to what they need.
4. Ask how much detail they want
Don’t assume everyone processes information as you do. After giving the overview, ask:
“Would you like more detail?”
Someone with a Specific preference probably will. Someone with a General preference may already have heard quite enough, thank you. Or listen to see if they ask you questions. Then provide that information.
If you’re a listener and enjoy digging into the details, then ask questions to ensure you have as much detail as you need.
5. Connect with what matters to them
People generally behave in ways that reflect their values. Their behaviour can give you useful clues, although one action isn’t proof.
If someone is consistently punctual and becomes irritated when others are late, there’s a good chance they value time, reliability or respect. Better still, ask what matters to them rather than assuming you know.
You’ll be more influential when you can honestly show how your suggestion connects with something they value. This is about using their values to explain your suggestion in terms that are meaningful to them, rather than expecting your reasons to motivate everybody else.
One person may join a community project to help others, another for company, and another because there will be cake.
All perfectly respectable motives, particularly the cake.
6. Make it safe to disagree
It may seem counterintuitive, but people are more likely to consider your ideas when they know they’re allowed to disagree with them.
Ask what concerns them, what you may have overlooked and what would need to change before your suggestion worked for them. Then listen to the answers without arguing them into submission.
If saying no results in pressure, sulking, punishment or another 40 minutes of persuasion, it wasn’t really a choice. And influence without choice is getting perilously close to manipulation.
7. Make sure your messages match
Being congruent means that your words, tone and behaviour convey the same message.
Verbal and non-verbal messages can differ
If you tell your team, partner or children that you trust them, but constantly check up on them, which message are they likely to believe?
Similarly, saying, “I’d really like to hear what you think,” while glancing at your phone or interrupting every three sentences sends two very different messages. People usually pay more attention to what you do than what you say.
8. Earn trust by being reliable
Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it. If circumstances change, let people know as soon as you can.
That doesn’t mean being perfect. It means following through, admitting when you’ve made a mistake and putting it right where possible.
Trust develops through repeated evidence. When people know that your words mean something, they’re far more likely to listen when you have a suggestion to make.
A reminder of the 8 approaches
- Listen before trying to be heard.
- Pay attention to the whole message.
- Start with the big picture.
- Ask how much detail they want.
- Connect with what matters to them.
- Make it safe to disagree.
- Make sure your messages match.
- Earn trust by being reliable.
By using even a few of these methods, you’ll be well on the way to becoming more influential. In the process, you’re guaranteed to learn heaps about other people and become more compassionate and understanding,
Feel free to share this post with anyone else who might find it helpful.
If you’re the kind of person who values great relationships, staying connected will help. I think you’ll enjoy Thinky Things. It’s a short, weekly-ish email — fresh reflections, questions, and small noticing-points — written for the inbox rather than the website.
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Need more help?
You’ll find more practical tips and techniques in my eBook, REAL People Skills: How to Be Influential Without Fighting, Bulldozing or Banging Your Head!
Tags: Beliefs and values, Body language, Communication skills, Interpersonal skills, Self-awareness
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