I was putting up some training flyers around town one day and met one of our podcast listeners. Always keen to deliver what people want, I asked her for ideas about what she’d like to know more about.

“Resilience”, she replied without a shred of hesitation.

She commented that we’re in times where resilience — both individual and community — is needed more than ever.

She wasn’t wrong.

The Resilience Podcast is at the end of the post. Click here if you prefer to listen. 

What is resilience?

I believe it’s the ability to cope with the challenges of life, learn, adapt and bounce back from adversity. It’s having the resources — physical, emotional, and sometimes financial.

As a society we need to navigate challenges more than ever.

There’s a lot going on in the world right now, much of it wild and scary. It’s a time when flexibility and an ability to bounce back from adversity — is crucial.

In this post I’ll cover a mini toolkit of coping strategies to use in trying times as well as some techniques to change your mind-set before the trying times arrive.

1.Thought patterns and self talk

I know I have some pretty quirky ways of my own — like eating cheese scones spread with jam. (Hey don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!) But what about the quirks hidden in your thinking patterns? Self-awareness is a critical part of uncovering those annoying thought patterns, emotions, and resulting behaviours.

Once you discover your own, (I call mine Naggy McNagFace) you can begin interrupting them instead of automatically believing them. Pay attention to your thought forms, as if you were observing them. Persistent negative self talk impacts your whole sense of well being, gnawing at your self-esteem over time. It’s hard to adapt well when your own thinking is quietly sabotaging you.

2. Handling conflict

Most people can communicate when things are going well. But when there are disagreements, misunderstandings or conflict, they might not have the skills to handle them effectively. So, many folk try to avoid conflict. That isn’t effective though, because conflict that isn’t addressed outwardly becomes internal conflict. It might result in less-than-useful behaviours such as sulking, being resentful or angry. 

In contrast they might attempt to resolve it in a way that others feel attacked. And, when we’re upset, we’re often not so good at listening — which doesn’t help settle anything. Learning how to reflectively listen is a vital skill for properly understanding and processing other points of view — before expressing your own.

So, understanding and being able to gain and maintain rapport in any situation, and listen reflectively, are important skills to build your flexibility — a key aspect of resolving conflict. 

You might find this post useful How To Handle Conflict Like A Hero—But Without The Blood And Guts On The Carpet

3. Emotional Regulation

Life will throw you curveballs, and it’s important to keep your cool, especially if you want to deal with said curveballs. Managing your state and regulating your emotions gives you emotional stamina, allowing you to stay calm and composed under pressure, and making it easier to adapt to adversity. 

Skills for emotional regulation include 

• anchoring yourself into a calm or confident state
• using softer, positive language, 
• breathing techniques. 
• sensualisation to reduce anxiety and stress.

Chronic stress can devastate your ability to cope with challenges, as well as impact your immune system, contributing to illness. 

Try out my Calm Spot for a 71/2 minute taster. People say it’s better than a spa treatment — and you don’t even need to leave your seat. (You’re welcome!)

4. Goals, obstacles and adaptability

Setting and working towards goals gives you a sense of purpose and direction, which helps you navigate challenges. 

But even setting goals can come with its own set of issues. You can easily envisage where you want to be from where you are now; after all that’s your goal, your dream. But we can sometimes have a simplistic view of achieving goals. It can seem like a straight line from where we are to where we want to be.

We can’t always envisage the dreaded obstacles.

When those obstacles show up, we can lose sight of the goal 

The obstacles need to be dealt with in some way. Yet we might not have the skills, training, finances or any number of other internal or external resources to get past the obstacle. We feel stuck, and often our dream remains  — just a dream.

The reality of achieving a goal

Achieving a challenging goal is a bit like running an obstacle course. While you can often see where you want to be from where you are now, you need to negotiate the barriers that are between the two points. And, because each hurdle is different you need a variety of skills and strengths to go around, over, through or under each one. You may not realise what skill you need until you get to the obstacle.

So pursuing challenging goals is vital. The feedback we get when things don’t go according to plan gets us out of our comfort zones and builds our flexibility and resilience.

To remain motivated towards your goals, you must do more than just visualise them. You need to ‘sensualise’ them. Use all your senses to see, hear, feel — even taste and smell your end goal, and what you’ll be saying to yourself when you have it.

More info: Free Goal Setting Workbook

Some people don’t want change at all; they want everything to stay the same. A majority will accept changes that develop over time. And a handful of people love dramatic and constant change. Regardless of your change preference, change is inevitable. NLP has methods to reframe your perspective and view change as a positive experience.

5. Focus and presence

Learn to stay present and focused on the task at hand. Every time your concentration is interrupted: a phone ringing or pinging, someone talking to you, it activates a part of our brain called the Subthalamic Nucleus (STN for short). It acts like the bouncer at a nightclub, stopping undesirables from entering. The undesirables in this case might be social media notifications, phone calls etc. 

After a couple of interruptions to your focus, it doesn’t completely shut down. It lurks in the background and becomes hyper vigilant, waiting for the next interruption. With more interruptions you find yourself more focused on the interruptions (and the dopamine hits) than you are on your work flow. 

It becomes harder to refocus, as your brain is now more absorbed by your phone than your project. Your deep focus is gone.

Research has shown us that after a distraction of less than 3 minutes, full refocus takes between 20 seconds and 2 minutes. After a major distraction it can take up to 23 minutes to get back into flow. And a series of major interruptions can cause the loss of a third of a working day. Yep! I’ve certainly experienced days like that.

Maintaining concentration can be a battle, because our devices are engineered to keep our attention.

6. Rolling with change

Some people don’t want change at all; they want everything to stay exactly the same. A majority will accept change that evolves over time. And a handful of people love dramatic and constant change. Regardless of your change preference— change is inevitable. If you think about it, every cell in your body is in a constant state of change. Change is a natural part of life. The challenge is to reframe your perspective and view change as an opportunity for growth.

7. Learning from Adversity

Learn to view adversity as a chance for growth and learning. This mindset shift is central to handling pressure, as it encourages you to see setbacks as valuable experiences rather than failures. And you can turn those hitches into stepping stones towards a happier future.

None of us get through life without challenges, setbacks, uncertainty or stress. The goal isn’t to become invincible. It’s to become more adaptable, more aware, and better equipped to handle whatever life throws at us. Trust me, life has given me plenty of opportunities to practise these skills over the years.

And if one of these ideas sparked your interest, feel free to use the search bar at the top right and explore further. There’s plenty more practical mind-and-behaviour wizardry waiting for you.

If this post gave you new insights

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If this helped, feel free to share it with someone who might need it too.

And I’d love to know how you coped with the messy moments in your life.

Tags: Communication skills, Managing mood and emotions, Podcasts and audio tips, Resilience, Self-awareness, Thinking and mindset